Thousands expected to protest culling of the toys

Thousands of angry elves are expected to descend on a small British Columbia city this weekend to protest the annual culling of the toys.

“It’s barbaric,” says Jolly Happy, head of the Society Against Nasty Toy Abuse (S.A.N.T.A.). “The father of this family is about to commit toyicide and we must stop him.”

“There’s just too damn many toys in our house,” says the beleaguered father. “With Christmas and 2 birthdays within the span of 5 weeks, we’re overrun with Dora, Strawberry Shortcake and Tinkerbell crap. We have to get rid of some.”

“I’m not sure why they (S.A.N.T.A.) are so pissed anyway,” says the father. “The vast majority of these toys will find a better home in second hand stores and charities.”

Despite the humane assurances, worldwide reaction to the planned toy cull has been swift.

“He better leave the Lego alone,” says the Danish Toy Council.

In Sweden economic sanctions are planned against Canada should the toy cull result in the premature death of toys created or purchased at Ikea.

And in Brazil, the Brazilian government has offered amnesty to all soccer related toys and equipment, a sentiment supported by the government of Italy.

However, the father plans to proceed despite the international outrage. “I don’t care. I’ve done my last middle of the night step on some stupid stuffed squelchy animal. Look out, Little People, I’m cleaning house!”

The cull is planned for Sunday.

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